Friday, October 8, 2021

9 Tips to fall in love again

It’s totally normal to have moment
s when you feel more or less in love with your partner. Yet, it’s painful to have lulls in a relationship that leave you feeling hopeless or questioning its future. At these times, even if you have lists of issues you know are causing problems with your partner, it can still somehow be hard to pinpoint why you lost the loving feelings that once overcame you. You may still “love” the person. You may still want it to work with him or her. But you just can’t seem to access that free flow of fondness, that ease of give and take, that made you light up and look forward to each day you’d spend together.

1. Have some silly time together.
Speaking of strangeness, it's super important for people to be able to shoot the sh*t with each other and just kick back and have a goofy grand time. In fact, research shows that couples who laugh together often have happier relationships and stay together for the long haul.

2. Resist entering a critical mode.
At some point, any person in a relationship can find themselves observing their partner through a critical lens. This lens can be clearly distorted: for example, when you find yourself cringing at the way your partner clears his throat, or feeling overly annoyed when she needs to run back in the house for something she forgot. You can also start magnifying or zeroing in on your partner’s mistakes, cataloguing their flaws, and building a case. It is way too easy when you live at close quarters with someone to pick them apart and get annoyed at some of their habits. After all, you know them pretty well. But the truth is, your partner probably always had these qualities, even when you first fell in love.

3. Planning surprise date nights.
Sometimes all it takes to help you reconnect is scheduling a Date night—no kids, no friends, just the two of you. To make it more fun, Porter suggests taking turns planning the evenings and keeping the details under wraps.

4. Life better.
Since you're the one reading this article, you may be looking for ways to feel closer to your S.O. rather than doingthings for someone whom you feel a little detached from. But, stay with me: Since "love" is a verb, "when you lead with action, your heart tends to follow," says Seth J. Gillihan, PhD, a psychologist in Philadelphia.

5. Treat your partner with kindness.
Simple as it sounds, kindness is really the key to staying in love. Research has shown that taking more loving actions actually makes you feel more in love. In any interaction with your partner, whether it’s personal or practical, try to be kind in how you express yourself. This softens your partner, even in heated moments. Continuing to be loving and generous has a huge payoff and a million rewards. It makes you feel good within yourself and creates space for your partner to ultimately move closer to you. It allows you to be more compassionate toward your partner and feel for their experience, separate from yours, which also increases your own feelings of interest, attraction, and tenderness.

6. Take advantage of what you love about your partner.
Reflect on what you love and appreciate about your partner. What qualities do you admire or feel amused by? If you like that they’re adventurous, keep sharing new activities. If you enjoy their sense of humor, be playful in your communication. If you value that they’re warm and affectionate, make sure to connect with them each day, rather than getting caught up in other things.

7. Reconnect with who you were when you fell in love.
When you feel like you’re falling out of love, you not only long for or miss the person you first fell in love with, but you miss who you were and how you felt at that time. A lot of people want to be the person their partner fell in love with. Of course, every human evolves and grows, so achieving this isn’t about denying your development or pretending to be an old version of yourself. In fact, it’s barely about your partner at all. In her new book, daring to love, Tamsen Firestone observes, “the truth is that the primary obstacle to love is within us. Our biggest challenge isn’t finding love; it’s confronting our defenses against it and daring to allow love to develop.” Therefore, falling back in love is an exercise in breaking through those defenses and getting back to a feeling you had toward yourself, your partner, and your life in general.

8. Share lively, non-routine experiences.
When you first fall in love, in some ways, you are probably the most open you’ll ever be. After all, you’re letting an entirely new person matter to you and influence your life. This spirit of adventure and willingness to try new things is actually part of what creates a spark between two people. Continuing to explore side by side and seek out new experiences to share is a powerful way to keep the excitement and vitality going strong. Relationships can start to become more practical and routine as they go on, particularly with the sharing of kids, household, or financial responsibilities, but these parts of life can also be part of that adventure, as long as you’re making time to do new things that make you both feel more alive.

9. Maintain and support your and your partner’s individual interests.
In the early stages of a relationship, both parties are still seeing themselves as separate, so they maintain the aspects of who they are that make them feel like independently fulfilled individuals. Often, it’s these very qualities that made your partner fall in love with you and made you fall in love with your partner. Never forget what it felt like to be your own person; be sure to nurture the unique aspects of who you are, and extend this same kindness, respect, and curiosity to your partner.

10. Give  each other space
It sounds counterintuitive, but sometimes when things get a little moldy, you need some separation to rekindle the spark. I don't mean jet-setting across the country for a month—but giving yourself the time and space to be your own person.

11. Present time with them.
Even if you live with your boyfriend (or husband, or girlfriend/wife), chances are, a lot of the time you spend with them is occupied by other things—emails, kids, TV, phone calls, etc.
This builds affection.

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